Dandelion Time (sent in by Anon…)

A plague on your daffodils, Mr Wordsworth.

Granted, daffodils look very fine – harbinger of spring and such,

But they just stand about admiring themselves

or head-tossing and fluttering in a freezing gale, 

and you can buy a pot in any corner shop.

 

The trouble with daffodils is that they turn up

at such a miserable time of the year – snow, ice, fog etc –

season of flu and fruity cold-full-ness.

As a countryman you should have written a poem about

“a crowd, a host of…dandelions

 

Dandelion time is another packet of seeds;

A few sunny days in April, a shower or two,

there’s blossom on the trees, and birds singing,

And before you can say, “Taraxacum officinale”

Your garden is knee deep in dandelions.

 

Dandelions are tough and stubborn,

deep-rooted and hard to shift.

Pick a fight with a dandelion and you’ll lose.

Dig them up, throw them away or burn them

and next year they’re blooming, bigger than ever.

 

Call them all the rude names you can find:-

Cankerwort, Clock Flower, Irish Daisy, Lion’s Tooth, Milk Witch, Monk’s Head,

Piss-a-bed, Priest’s Crown, Puffball, Swine Snout-

They’ll just parachute off to your favourite flower bed.

Much better to call a truce.

 

You can’t eat daffodils but as for dandelions

you can use them to make delicious wine

or eat them raw in tasty salads.

They also contain a whole pharmacy of medical ingredients –

enough to cure an entire infirmary of ailments. 

 

If you’re not sure of the time, or the state of your love life,

or wish to send a message to your friend,

or hope to have a wish come true, or are anxious

to discover the age at which you will die,

just blow on a dandelion clock.

 

So, dear, misguided Mr Wordsworth;

If you want a flower that’s bright and bonny,

Painted by the artist, Monet,

Then choose a plant you can rely on, Go dancing with the dandelion.

Eden Allotments

Eden Allotments (sent in to me by Anon…)

A young chap was digging his allotment;

His hands were all blistered and red.

He sighed as he put down his shovel

And these are the words that he said.

 

“I’m having such trouble wi’ pigeons –

They’re eating up all that I plant

And some of them slugs are so hungry

It’s like feeding an ‘uge elephant”

 

“The soil is so hard and so lumpy

With thorns and thistles to boot.

An’ all this to-do ’cause my missus

Fancied a morsel of fruit.”

 

“We’ve plans to grow all sorts of veggies

With something to eat every day,

Which turns to be quite important

Now she’s in the family way.”

 

“Our plot is on Eden Allotments

With trees and herb bearing seeds;

But the land is so heavy and hard to work,

Full of brambles and briars and weeds.”

 

“There’s so much rain in the Winter

And so little sunshine in Spring

And as for the Summer, well, just for a change,

It’s the worst that the weather can bring.”

 

“So these are the words that I’m saying.

We’re so weary as you can’t believe.

Can you send us some sort of a helper?”

Yours faithfully, Adam and Eve.